Seul
I never thought that I'd feel the way that I do right now.
A couple of years back, this guy in one of my Creative Writing classes announced in this really pompous way that he was very careful about what he read because he didn't want trash to influence his writing. I remember thinking that he was some kind of moron because I felt that you'd have to be one to let someone else's bad writing make your own writing bad. I mean, if you're a good writer, you're a good writer, period. Right? I believed that nobody should be able to change what is naturally within you, and to an extent I still do, but I’m slowly beginning to realize that if you’re primarily ruled by emotions (like me) rather than logic, it’s very easy to be changed by what and whom you invite into your life.
Months ago my cell phone was disconnected because I failed to pay the bill. At first I felt kind of panicky because, let's face it, I have issues. And for some reason, even though I don't have a very welcoming vibe, strangers LOVE to talk to me. One of the motives for investing in an iPod was that I'd look distracted in public places. And my ridiculous amount of hats and jackets with hoods? Same vein. When The Pod went on the fritz (what I get for purchasing first generation technology) I turned to my cell phone and ended up checking my voice mails roughly ten times a day. At first I tried calling friends every time I'd have to walk to the shuttle stop, or to the bathroom, or down the hall, or across the street. Understandably, they got irritated and stopped answering. I suppose this could partly be because after a while I had nothing better to say than, "Hi. I'm walking." When my phone went kaput (what I get for throwing it against a wall) I was forced to face the outside world, gasp! Without electronic devices! And you know, it wasn't so bad. Strangers said hello, that I looked nice today; they wished me a good day and a good afternoon; they asked me the time and if I could grab whole milk for them from the shelf at the store because they had poor eyesight; It was nice. So nice in fact that I didn't reconnect my phone until weeks and weeks later, though I could have done it sooner.
On top of the no-phone thing, I've been living at my father's house since the school semester started, and in case you didn't know, his house is in the middle of nowhere. It's a two-hour commute from my house to school; one and one half hours if I'm lucky. Basically, unless I'm at school or work, I'm home because it doesn't make sense to my wallet or my odometer to drive out to civilization just for fun when I've already been out there 920837429874 times in one week for learning and making bacon.
Let's recap: no Pod, no phone, and no life. And as it turns out, I'm quite happy. My homework is getting done, I'm writing a ton of new material (an article I mentioned a couple of posts ago moved to the number 1 spot out of the 224 in its category -- I'm pleased) and I just feel a lot better. A friend asked me to house sit his place for the weekend and I turned down two parties in favor of sitting here in this big empty home with a ton of blankets and a borrowed MacBook Pro. I think if I listen closely I can actually hear my skin beginning to wrinkle because I'm turning into an old bitty.
No but really, I feel like I'm thinking clearer than usual without all of the interruptions and distractions that I usually invite. And it's not that I don't want to see my friends anymore or talk to them on the phone or listen to music, but like I said a couple of posts ago, I do want to fix my life and I feel like separating myself from things that I usually use to help me avoid it is helping me do that.
Consequently, I've been feeling strangely when it comes to all things involving The Man. Since reconnecting and attempting to rebuild whatever it is that’s rebuild-able, we’ve fallen into this strange place that I’m not even sure I can begin to explain. At first it seemed like it was going really well; we were laughing, having fun and enjoying each other’s company. But now there's something else here; something new. Instead of being elated when I see him, our mutual vibe is calm and zombie-like.
How dumb does it sound to say that even though I'm a perfectly happy person, I can't be around certain individuals because they have the power to lessen that happiness just by existing in my general vicinity? Well, to the guy in my CW class, I say kudos. Kudos for being able to recognize your own weaknesses and having the right mind to do something about them. No kudos for me who recognizes them only so she can sit here and cry.
I'm trying. I'm ignoring phone calls and not making a huge effort to set aside time, but I can't seem to find it in me to make that oh-so-necessary cut. Even though I know I'm probably going to end up hurt again, I know it'll be less of a burn than it was the first time. I just don’t feel the same as I used to and to tell you the truth, I have no idea why I’m hanging on, or rather, waiting to be dismissed. I also know that it sounds pretty fucked up to basically admit that you're aware you're choosing to stay a part of something that is doubtlessly going to fall apart, but that's just the coward in me talking.
I wrote an article about it. Its current placement isn’t bad considering it’s a load of emo bullshit, but I won’t be surprised if I’m asked by the site administrators to cancel my account for breaching the unwritten DON’T WRITE LIKE A SELF-PITYING PIECE OF CRAP part of the contract.
On that note, one day I hope to have the password-protected entry option set up on MT for posts like these.