Coming around

I look forward to the end of each year for many of the same reasons that other people do: The holidays (Christmas presents, an excuse to shovel food down my throat like it’s my job, seeing the family), the outrageous parties, the false belief that we are actually starting our lives anew and nixing all of the terrible things we did in the last year, the motivation to start exercising, etc. But another, less common reason I enjoy December is because it’s the month in which tons of online writers write their year-in-review post.

The year-in-review post is awesome because it’s like flash fiction; a condensed version of life, and you know that if someone feels the need to write about their feelings often enough to have enough material at the end of the year for a review, that that review is going to be interesting and loaded with realizations, revelations and most importantly, regrets. This is why I almost never write them. I’ve had my own domain and been in this online writing game for over seven years now, and I’ve only written a year in review post once. I’m always afraid that I’ll have nothing to say, or that I’ll realize that my life hasn’t changed as much in the last twelve months as I wanted it to, so I opt for avoidance and denial, naturally.

But now I’m at the point where NOT thinking about it just isn’t cutting it anymore, so at the beginning of this year I decided to change it up and considered the following:

-I’m graduating
-I’m single
-According to the Chinese Zodiac, it’s my year.

I added all of those things together, turned my nose slightly up at the stress caused by my financial obligations (credit cards, school loans) and decided that I’m going to do whatever the fuck I want to do starting June 2008 because I deserve to. Times like these, where freedom is an option and I can count my responsibilities on one hand, don't come around as often as we get older, so I think it's 'bout time I took advantage. I reasoned that I have to have a strong start to the year to feel OK about wilin’ out later on, however, so I came up with a system. And while it may sound like I’ve been preparing for reckless abandon, It's actually very organized and strategic planning that once completed, will be rewarded later on by some serious fun-having and a feeling of accomplishment.

I decided that at the beginning of each month I’d set a goal and have the rest of that month to achieve it. In January I became frantic and very serious about getting an internship and finally landed one just before I was ready to throw in the towel and become an accountant, and okay, that was a great start, but then in February my workload with school and two jobs became so heavy and intense that I lost focus and didn’t even set a goal at all. Bummer. So I said goodbye to hosting and bartending and quit my job at the restaurant to free up some much needed time and sanity. So far it’s helped. This month I decided that I’d see how I’d fare without charging anything to my credit cards, and now I’m flat broke but content that I can survive on my current salary. Sure, I have to brown bag my lunch and Steve Madden and I are on terrible terms, but still. The good definitely outweighs the bad.

And now here we are, on the brink of a new month. April is an especially big deal to me because April fools' day – which I know is so fitting - is my would-be three year anniversary with He Who Must Not Be Named. (Side note: I seriously just remembered that last night I dreamt that I was a news reporter filming the appearance of the Dark Mark from the shoreline on a crowded beach, and that Voldermort came flying down on a hot air balloon and looked exactly like my mom’s third husband. WTF?) This time of year usually means that I'm a total wreck and that nothing is as appealing as wallowing in my own sorrow, but I woke up today feeling so fed up with myself that I don't think I have any choice but to shut the fuck up and move on. I mean, I can only imagine how tired you all are of reading about HWMNBN (my ex, not Voldermort) if I’m getting tired of writing about him, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m very, very tired of writing about him. Did I just say that? Did I just tell the Internets that I’m mentally tired of thinking/writing/dreaming/being obsessive about the bane of my existence? Can that be my belated February achievement? Because seriously, I feel like I just finished the 12th step.

The thing about me is that when I’m in a relationship or just out of one (which includes two years later, obviously), I devote 99.9% of my energy to that person and my focus on everything else is just kind of half-assed. AND THIS IS NOT A TIME IN LIFE WHERE I CAN AFFORD TO BE LAZY. I just spent six years in college without ever being fully focused on what I was doing in my life because I’ve always been attached to someone, always been going through some kind of excruciating situation of the heart. My grade point average, although not bad at all, should be higher. With all the praise I got from teachers and workshop groups, I should have concentrated more on submitting my fiction work for publication. I should be coming up with newer, better material for my current writing class instead of re-working old shit because I’m too tired to be creative. And even though my internship takes up such a huge chunk of my mental energy already, I feel like I should be even more committed to it than I already am.

I feel like I really need to step my game up, so instead of setting just one goal, here’s an entire list of things I want to complete in April:

-Do not initiate any kind of conversation whatsoever with HWMNBN. (This means I’m not going to be a dick and not RE to the texts and calls I know I’ll get, but that I’m not going to be the first one to send them or dial.)
-Go to every event hosted by my internship, even those that aren’t part of my discipline. Then write reviews about them.
-Check up on my favorite freelance opportunity websites every day, or, at least every day that I have access to a computer.
-Get dental insurance
-Eat better and not at all after 8:00pm (track effects on weight/overall amount of energy)
-Exercise

The toughest one to type just now was the last one because I know I’m not going to edit this entry and that it will in fact be public, and publishing it for all of you to read makes the commitment that much more solid and real for me, and that means I’m going to feel very obligated to stick with it.

This December I want to write a year-in-review post and I don’t want it to prove that I’m a non-productive shmuck with her heart on her sleeve, always a victim of the same kind of situation; I want it to prove that I’m productive and passionate, and that even though I haven’t the slightest clue where my traits are taking me, that I’m confident it’s in the right direction. And that when I get there I’ll have a six-pack.