Some hat-er-ation, & lov-er-ation, in this gas-er-y

Yesterday I said I wasn’t going to write about the tedious process that is emailing eighty or so artists for their biographies. I’m still not going to do that, but I am going to write out my frustrations because it’s all that’s been on my brain lately. See, my internship is having an auction later this month, and all the donating artists must have a short biography to use on the little didactic panel beside their piece. Did you catch that I said short? Because if you did, then that makes two of us. Me and you. You and I. None of the eighty artists included. It may seem like an easy project, but when you have that many different people emailing you biographies that are each written in a different tone and range anywhere from a couple of paragraphs to two pages, the part where I have to make them all the same length and sound is where it gets tricky. I worked on it all day today, and because it’s what I’m sure I’ll be working on all day tomorrow, I took several breaks just so I could vent into a blank Word document for the sake of my sanity. Here are the results of that:

-What makes you think the general public wants to know about your three children from a previous marriage? I'm editing that out.

-I assure you that everyone will know what you mean by "Master of Fine Arts degree". Putting MFA in parentheses right next to it is kind of insulting, yo. And I think, just because I really want to twist your panties, that I'm going to reduce it to just the acronym in the final draft. Can't wait to get your response email which will likely be titled: Chelsi, why are you such a bitch?

-I absolutely LOVE that you, you who didn't hire me back in '07, sent me your text to edit and that your grammar sucks total asshole. My Myspace profile doesn't say "finds joy in the small things" for nothing, ya hear?

-Wow, did you really type "a graduate MFA degree" -? You're just milking your shit, aren't you?

-I hate that after requesting an artist statement from you, you emailed me just a CV so that I had to request it again. And I hate that you didn't specify which city you were from in your reply because I had to email you once again to ask. And I hate that your reply to that thoughtful and carefully worded email was simply "Bay area", because now I have to email you AGAIN and ask you to specify which city. AGAIN. I'm sure you hate me by now, but I'm even surer that I hate you more.

-For some wacky reason I just replied to your email with "now I will think of you every time I see those Got Fog? T-shirts." I feel so lame.

-Why must your publishing name be different from your artist name? Are you really that important?

-You replied to my email with: "Hopefully this event really takes off and makes you all towers of shiny pennies." I want to hug you.

-I am loving our virtual discourse. Does that sound dirty?

-WHOSE NOT WHO'S!