Cover letter

Dear Life,

I saw your ad for the Shit Out of Luck and Destined for Doom and Poverty position this morning and thought I’d apply. I recently graduated from San Francisco State University with a degree in English and Art History, and now that both have proven their complete uselessness, I think I’m the perfect candidate for this position.

My related experience includes not being able to secure a steady, well-paying job since graduation (May 2008), which is a highly unfavorable situation to be in, especially when you have an ever-growing pile of bills on your shoulders like I do. Also, the temporary jobs I’ve been hired for haven’t managed to network me very well, and very soon my service provider is going to cut off my cell phone because I haven’t paid for it in nearly two months. That means the employers I sent resumes to will probably finally call me to set up an interview time but won’t be able to get a hold of me because of my disconnected number. Pretty ironic, right?

Unfortunately, I do have some  promising projects on the back burner and several kick-ass references, but I'm sure it's nothing you couldn't totally fuck up if you wanted to.

My skills include laziness, procrastination, a disproportionate love of naps, a bad habit of surfing youtube when I should be working, an obsession with self-pity and the satirical stylings of the black cloud that follows me wherever I go.

My hobbies include reading trash, writing short fiction that never gets published, maintaining a wildly unpopular website and wearing clothes that fit me in all the wrong ways.

Co-workers say I’m easy to get along with but they don’t mean it. In fact, they just don’t want to piss me off because I’m highly combative. After a while, I often begin to resent my employers for giving me work I hate to do, and it is highly likely that I will bring nothing but drama and creative new ways to avoid actually doing work to your workplace should you choose to hire me.

You won't find my resume attached because I don't even think you care enough to look at it.

Thank you for your time and consideration, you dickwad,

Chelsi