Totally Bogus Relationship Advice/I’m spending eons at baggage claim

1 - Date someone you can really talk to

Once I dated someone who made me feel like I could die as long as the last thing I did was talk to him, and the world would be a good, righteous place. Then he broke up with me because he couldn't stand the sound of my voice.  HA.

2 - Date someone you can be totally silent in the car with

For a long while, this one song by Esthero (one of my most favorite singers of all time) had me convinced that so long as I could be comfortable hanging out in total silence for long stretches of time with a dude, he had soul mate potential. Not only does this clash with the last piece of advice (it's no wonder I'm all fucked up), but I also used it to gauge (unsuccessfully) how close I wanted to let this particular guy into my life. We didn't need constant conversation to feel comfortable around each other so I was stoked, but eventually we just stopped speaking completely. Go figure.

3 - Opposites attract

Everyone's heard this one, right? It's not true. You're only intrigued by what you don't know, and then when it comes down to it, ultimately, you're repelled by it.

I once dated this guy who was all about cars and football and the military.  We lasted five years -- four years and probably about six months too long. The breakup was messy and exhausting. You can only argue about the same thing so many times before your brain starts to boil.

4 - Date someone who has a lot in common with you

I know, I know. If you can't date someone who's different from you OR similar to you, then what's left? Trust me, if I could answer that question, I wouldn't be writing this post.

One dude I dated was so similar to me it was scary. Our interests weren't the same, but our personalities and thought process and sense of humor was identical.  For a long time it was amazing. Absolutely amazing. Then, without warning, we suddenly knew each other too well and used that knowledge as a weapon. Like when he was cheating on me? I knew it because I would have done the same. And when he lied to me about it? I knew it because I would have done the same. And when I tried to explain that during an argument? Armageddon.

My advice: You can love someone to death, but that doesn't mean you like them, or that they like you. So, date someone you like. Someone who likes you back. Someone who makes you really good mix tapes. And, someone whose baby you wouldn't mind having should your birth control decide to stop working. That's the best I got.