26 Years of Heartbreaking Awesomeness

ARP Magazine was able to sit down with the exotically beautiful and multi-talented Chelsi, while she was vacationing in Cannes, near the Palais des Festivals. From breaking unique world records to romancing international super models, insuring her assets and authoring four best-selling novels, Chelsi lives a life of fame, travel and intrigue that most of the world will only ever read about in books—hers.

ARP Magazine: So, Chelsi. You rose to fame after your bottom was insured for $3.6 million, out-pricing even the infamous Ms. Tina Turner's legs. After making headlines for purchasing the world's first Booty Insurance, you raised eyebrows all over the world with your ability to Google anything in less than 2.3 seconds, your specifically awe-inspiring knowledge of Twilight trivia, and pheromones so powerful that you left the world of science completely boggled. Now that you've settled for a few months in Paris, what are you most enjoying?

Chelsi: $3.6 million? Honey, you've been fed the wrong numbers. $13.6 is the correct amount.

ARP: $13.6! My word. That's over six million a cheek. You must have an impressive collection of chairs in your home.

C: I built all the chairs in my home, and yes, they are impressive.

ARP: I'd heard rumors that you're a master of carpentry. If history repeats itself, I imagine your chairs are worth phenomenal amounts of money, and that both Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez have contracted you for a few. Did your people discuss with their people, or do you have the pleasure of meeting your bottom-buddies in person?

C: You know, I've never been much of a bottom-buddies kind of person. My chairs are a reflection of a personal aesthetic and standard that's for my cheeks only.

ARP: Understandable. You know how rumors surround celebrities. Now tell me, you set the world record in 2009 with your ability to Google any subject in less than three seconds. There seems to be an obvious connection to your ability to type over 276 words per minute, which caused you to actually snap the A, H and L keys off of your test keyboard after five minutes. Any plans to beat this record?

C: No, no plans. I think I really set the bar with that one. Google is kind of like San Francisco to me, you know? I've totally conquered that city... now it's time to move on.

ARP: [chuckles] Indeed you have. I heard that the 'H' key actually hit the videographer in the left eye when it shot off the keyboard. Has he regained full sight yet, do you know?

C: Oh, Frank? Yeah, he's cool. I stitched his initials into his eye patch with my left hand.

ARP: That's excellent-- a personalized eyepatch. I'm sure he'll keep it somewhere special forever. And your left hand? What made you choose to take a shot at ambidexterity?

C: It's a thing I've been practicing lately. It comes in handy in the bedroom.

ARP: I bet it does! And speaking of the bedroom, your most recent fling is a 25-year-old Spanish model who's recently returned from a shoot in Amsterdam to be with you on your 23rd birthday today! Any special plans for the evening?

C: I'm 26 today.

ARP: My apologies! You don't look a day over 22.

C: Oh now you're just being ridiculous. I'm in Cannes right now, and that's celebration enough for me. Who knows what will happen when the lights go out-- I try not to kiss and tell too much, but I will say that this particular model blows my mind in ways I didn't even know were possible. And I don't mean through the back door, if you know what I'm sayin'.

ARP: You are known for your mystery, which of course makes you all the more intriguing. Well whatever your plans, I'm sure they'll make headlines. Happy Birthday from all of us at ARP Magazine. As you can see, we've crafted this fourteen tiered strawberry chocolate cake for you!

C: Thanks. You'd piss your pants right now if I showed you all the things I can do with a strawberry.

ARP: [spits out water] I'm sure I would, I'm sure I would. Those fruit skills wouldn't be the thing that got you sponsored by Smuckers, would they?

C: Of course not. And here's the part where you throw your imagination into overdrive. Because, well, this is neither the time nor place for visuals.

ARP: Well, Chelsi, it's impossible for a person's imagination not to go into overdrive when they're around you. Your life has been so varied, full of excitement, travel, and riches. What would you say your favorite memory is?

C: Yes, I am a grab bag of talent and adventure, but when it comes down to it I like to live like a normal person. I mean, I'm not the kind of gal that wants to buy a big dog and leaf blower, but I do appreciate the down time. Most of my fondest memories involve sitting around with my friends, guzzling wine and talking shit.

ARP: It's always great to hear that celebrities are like the rest of us in a lot of ways-- just more talented and attractive, of course. I imagine you must have some pretty incredible friends, if they're able to keep up with you. What kinds of qualities and talents do you look for in a friend?

C: Loyalty's always been a big one for me. I mean, holding my hair, telling awesome jokes and buying me a pair of diamond shoes now and then is expected, but are you going to stand by me when I've just chucked a camera at gossip rag junkie's face, or when I'm going off on that Bieber lookalike monkey douche of a barista on 46th and Howard? Will you stick around to talk me down from a crippling bout of anxiety sprinkled with paranoia and the verbal beating you'll surely receive because I can't know the power of my own emotionally charged words? That's what I really need.

ARP: Loyalty is a very important quality, and diamond shoes would definitely be a nice perk. There have been four reported incidents of you having altercations with paparazzi; what happened there?

C: You know, I'm no Bjork, but I do lose my shit every now and then, especially when every drip from US Weekly to In Touch pretends like I'm their new BFF. I know how to party, but at the core I'm a recluse.

ARP: Really? What's your favorite at-home leisure activity?

C: Masturbation. And writing. It's a tie.

ARP: [clears throat] Do you have a preferred toy to use, or are you more of an au naturale kind of girl?

C: Au naturale for the most part. I'm really into genuine self love. There are special occasions, but again, I don't like to kiss and tell.

ARP:  Mmm, so you tell me. How do you feel about sex, really? Do you look at it as sort of a "shared between people who really care about each other" thing, or more of a key party situation?

C: For the longest time I tried to put sex on its own shelf in my mind because I thought it would make life easier. But I'm such a fucking romantic that I can't shag someone without knowing them. For me it's about deepening a connection that's already there. I guess you could say that's why I'm all about self love. I love deepening the connection I have with myself.

ARP: It sounds like self-discovery is really important to you. Do you feel like you really know yourself? Inside and out?

C: Not fully. I never cease to surprise myself, nor would I ever want to. I don't like being too comfortable in my own skin.

ARP: Can you elaborate on that? What would you consider "too comfortable?"

C: Too comfortable means not evolving. Not being open to change. Never wanting more than what you have in front of you. I'm always going to want to work toward something new. Like Dan Eldon said, the journey is the destination.

ARP: What are you working towards at the moment?

C: Being more awesome, of course.

ARP: And how could that possibly happen?

C: I'm writing another book. I'd tell you more about it, but I'm legally bound.

ARP: I understand. I'm sure this news will please your fans, though. Can you tell us if it's fiction or non-fiction?

C: It's a mix of the two. I'm at a very vulnerable point in my life, and it's the outcome of that.

ARP: I see. Sounds fascinating, actually. What would you say your greatest weakness is?

C: My greatest weakness is also my greatest strength, and it's that I live in my head 90% of the time. I'm a thinker, an over-thinker, an analyzer, an over-analyzer. The tabloids would have you believe it's 24/7 sex and candy in this skin, but it really isn't. Although, it is most of the time. Do you want some gummi bears?

ARP: I'd love some, thanks. Has there ever been a time when living inside your head, as you put it, has gotten you into trouble?

C: All the time, but it's usually worth it.

ARP: I imagine it is, considering how successful you've been. Not to derail us, but are these gummi bears...margarita flavored? Where did you find them?

C: Oh I made them from scratch. Gummi bears and tequila are aphrodisiacs, did you know?

ARP: I had no idea, but it makes sense. Tequila was responsible for two of my best friends meeting their husbands. And homemade! I take it cooking is yet another one of your talents?

C: Yes. Cooking is therapeutic.

ARP: I believe you were once quoted as saying that you 'cook the way you love, with reckless abandon.' Which brings me to my last question-- if you could give all of the women in the world one piece of advice about love, what would that be?

C: Balls to the wall, ladies. Love hard or not at all.