Don’t's
Speak out against Amy Winehouse's win at the Oscars, miss Natalie Cole. Don't be mad because nobody cares about you and your music is boring. Crazy or not, Winehouse made a good ass album, and if we waited until all artists were clean before giving them awards... then the only artists who would ever get recognized are your kind. THAT'S YOUR EVIL PLAN, ISN'T IT?
Do’s/Don’t's
Wake me up at 4:00AM by kissing me when, until now, the two of us sleeping beside each other after drunken adventures has been totally Dawson and Joey style: platonic. It'll shock the shit out of me and then as I sit down to write a blog entry, a little over twelve whole hours later, I still won't know how I feel about it.
Don’t's
Be my MOTHER and text me with:
V-Day: Flowers $20, Dinner $70, Movies $25, Drinks $30, Hotel $115, the look on his face when you tell him you're on your period... priceless!
Don’t's
Tell me you saw one of the girls He Who Must Not Be Named cheated on me with at the mall and that you think she’s hot. Then, like the smoke coming out of my ears wasn’t a big enough cue for you to shut the fuck up, weeks later send a text message to my phone saying another one of my cheating ex’s mistresses is your classmate like it’s funny and interesting. Because it’s neither funny nor interesting. Do you know what would be funny and interesting? If I slept with her boyfriend.
Don’t's
At a stop light, hold a paper plate on which you've written "will you fuk us" out of the cab window of your buddy's truck.
NO I WILL NOT.
Don’t's
Delete my highly mature and tasteful thread discussion on the benefits of kegel exercises, you lame ass BlogCatalog moderator.
Don’t's
First, merge onto the freeway at 1,000 miles an hour so that you scare all of the old people drivers in the slow lane. Then, not two seconds after you’ve completely merged, cut me off because you’re so speed-racer status that you can’t stand to be going any slower than the speed of light, and you get over one lane to the left without really looking. As you cut me off, be going so fast that you overshoot your amount of space and end up with three quarters of your truck in the shoulder, then swerve back into the lane so violently that the FUCKING CHRISTMAS TREE IN YOUR CAB FALLS OUT AND ALMOST CAUSES ME TO GET INTO AN ACCIDENT. Then, because you KNOW you were wrong, quickly exit the freeway so I can’t even mouth “fuck you”, and make sure to almost cause two accidents on the way. Idiot.