27
Life asks: So, you sent a text message to a friend one drunken night that read "I've never sucked this much towards you. Congratulations."
Chelsi answers: Yes, I did.
Life: And you meant it as...
Chelsi: Well, the dude was acting like a total wanker toward me that night for the first time in the entire span of our friendship, and the text message was my sarcastic way of saying, I've never treated you like this. Congratulations on turning out to be such a douche.
Life: But he interpreted it as...
Chelsi: I've never been this attracted toward you, congratulations on tickling my loins.
Life: And now...
Chelsi: Said friend thinks that I'm suddenly being sensitive when it comes to him because he's now taken (because that's the kind of person I am?), so now he tells all of our mutual friends how he finally COULD HAVE hooked up with me, but he passed up the opportunity.
Life: So...
Chelsi: So now I look like a pathetic loser, AND someone I thought was my really good friend that knew me better than most people thinks that I am that much of a conniving lunatic.
Life: Wow.
Chelsi: Yeah, pretty much.
26
Life asks: Hey Chels, how accurately do you think your personality comes across through your writing?
Chelsi answers: Well, Life, I received the following e-mail from my internet friend Amy a couple of weeks ago:
Hey Chels,
This is gonna sound weird, but I just remembered that you were in my dream last night. I don't know why you were in my dream, or how I could have painted a physical picture of you since I haven't seen you in person before. But you had a nice apartment, though a little messy, and you were chasing after (or dating, not sure which) this one guy. You even had CCTV cameras to watch out for him. Other than that, I'm not sure what else happened.
Life: Wow. So, pretty dead on then.
Chelsi: Yeah...
Life: And you didn't even have to write about the period of time you were stalking that drug-dealing barista at Starbucks!
Chelsi: Thanks for bringing that up, man.
Life: It's nothin'.
25
Life asks: How do you know that in spite of it all, there is some kind of crazy, cosmic, protective bubble of goodness around you all the time?
Chelsi answers: Because even though bad things happen to me, it always seems like I just barely miss all the REALLY bad things, like the car that was stalled in the middle lane of the freeway the other night while I was traveling along at a reasonable (for California) 85 mph.
Life: Does that mean you're not AS mad about walking out to the parking lot the other day to find that your rear window had fallen into the door frame?
Chelsi: No, that made me really angry.
Life: I'm sure the next day when you walked out to your driveway and found that your dad had brilliantly duct taped it back into place was cool though, right?
Chelsi: Stop talking.
24
Life asks: How are you feeling?
Chelsi answers: Well, my throat hurts, my head aches, I can't smell anything because my nose is stuffy, and I can't stop thinking about politics which means I'm delirious.
Life: So you're sick.
Chelsi: Correct.
Life: But you don't care because you usually just work a shit retail job Friday through Sunday, right? No big loss.
Chelsi: YOU BASTARD, you knew I requested this Saturday off for Oktoberfest and that it's THE FIRST SATURDAY I'VE HAD OFF IN MONTHS. You KNEEEEEEEEEEEW!!
Life: Indeed I did. Indeed. I. Did.
23
Life asks: Your father has been asking you to clean out all the boxes of clothes and miscellaneous crap in your room at his house for literally fifteen years. You finally did it last month and he couldn't be more ecstatic, a mood that is rarely seen when it comes to your dad. Is there anything that could possibly ruin this wonderful moment?
Chelsi answers: Oh gee, I don't know life, I guess the part where the entire bar in my ten foot wide closet ripped through the supporting particle board under the weight of all my clean and newly put away and color-arranged clothes put a slight damper on my good mood.
Life: You forgot to mention how the brackets under the upper shelf were also ripped out, nails and all, and that now all of your clothes are hanging on an Ikea clothing rack in the spare bedroom.
Chelsi: Screw you.
22
Life asks: How are your ears?
Chelsi answers: This secret competition between Katy Perry and Chris Brown to see who can make them bleed first is getting on my last nerve.
Life: I'm all fucked up and I like it!
Chelsi: Not even cool, Life. Not. even. cool.
21
Life asks: Chels, you've had two Big Loves in your twenty four years, right?
Chelsi answers: Yes, that is correct.
Life: The first being the one who decided to stop talking to you once he got married about two years ago.
Chelsi: Also correct.
Life: So then, what do you think about him messaging you for the first time in forever while you're in the middle of having the very last, soul crushing, break up type conversation with Big Love number two whom you've been disproportionately obsessed with since you met him three years ago?
Chelsi: I think it's either some kind of crazy sign that I've yet to understand which way to interpret, OR it's you being a totally cynical jackass.
Life: OK. Just checking.
20
Life asks: Don't you think you need some excitement in your life? I mean, it has been pretty dull lately. How 'bout a change up in your daily routine? Doesn't that sound nice?
Chelsi answers: If you're referring to that half-inch long very thick and very dark hair I found growing out of the underside of my chin, I already found it, plucked it, and was definitely not amused.
Life: DAMNIT.