Procrastination Station
Ways that you too can enjoy having four days off in a row and be a worthless sack of procrastinating crap, all at the same time:
-Explore father’s refrigerator (a.k.a. big box of cholesterol). Find scrumptious block of Velveeta and small carton of half and half. Proceed to cook most delicious and heart attack-inducing macaroni and cheese known to man.
-Buy fake lip rings from www.jengenway.com and drive sixty miles just to fool ex-boyfriend into thinking you’ve become an extreme chick with a high tolerance for pain.
-Myspace.
-www.meebo.com – sign on but don’t answer anybody’s messages because the knowledge that friends are also wasting their lives away on the web is comforting enough. No need to overdo it with mind-numbing conversation.
-www.listography.com – sign up and make tons of pointless lists, such as this one.
-Gmail – because sometimes I log into my various accounts and answer emails that have been sitting there in my inbox for months on end.
-Examine every inch of body for pimples, stray hairs, etc. SEARCH AND DESTROY.
-Porn.
-Download my hero Sean Daley’s free album from www.rhymesayers.com and play out Get it to Get Her and Jewelry immediately.
-Attempt to devise a way to kick all of the terrible spellers off of the Internet.
-Fail miserably at kicking all terrible spellers off of the Internet.
-Add to other ongoing list of reasons you’ll miss aforementioned ex-boyfriend BECAUSE YOU ARE A FREAK OF NATURE AND CAN’T GET OVER IT.
- Resist urge to text message the universe by hiding your phone and then drinking shots of cheap vodka.
-Cheap vodka.
-On Demand cable.
-Bask in the glory of the frozen burrito. Then inhale it. Four times over. All within the same hour.
-Test all of the horizontal surfaces in your home for comfort levels.
-Marvel at the size of the tumbleweed that has made its way into your front yard (then be really sad you didn’t take a photo of it).
-Contemplate various types of cheese following the Velveeta splurge, including how wonderful they’d taste in your mouth if only you’d get up, shower and go to the store to buy some.