Don’t's
Try to make nice on AIM after you've already fucked me over multiple times. I won't be cool just because it's been months since we last spoke:
Asshole: Hey
Me: ..hi
Asshole: What's the password to my old computer?
Me: I don't know. You didn't tell it to me.
Asshole: I did too!
Me: No, because you password protected it in the first place after I found that folder full of slutty photos of all of your ex girlfriends. You know, the ones you crawled around for on Myspace *while* we were dating? You must remember.
Asshole: Anyway...
Me: Try "imadickhole"
Asshole: The password hint is "my fav"
Me: Oh, oh, try "Myspace hookers"
Not at all immature or petty
In case you missed my Tweet about it a few weeks ago, the joint I intern for asked me to stay through the Summer. How flippin' amazing, right? So here's where I'd normally elaborate on the amazingness of this opportunity, but since I've been itching for the last four months to talk about the various people I intern with, the various peole that are now no longer there, I drew up some character profiles for them instead:
Alias assigned by Chelsi: Jared Jerome Deluca
Chose alias because: It reminds me of a ridiculous soap opera character who loves to order double ristretto venti non-fat organic chocolate extra hot brownie frappuccinos and refuses to wear anything but Dolce and Gabbana brand clothing.
Reason for Interning: Because he wanted to attach his name to a well-respected organization with the hope that it will boost his presence in the San Francisco Art world a thousand million points. What a chode.
Most prevalent article worn on body: These ridiculous skin-tight jeans
If he were a cartoon character: Gumby, with an industrial piercing and the hair ripped off the scalp of a so-cal "Bro"
Alias assigned by Chelsi: Margarita
Chose alias because: She is a headstrong Hispanic woman who really packs a punch with forwardness and demands most everything.
Reason for Interning: Because she wanted to balance her ridiculously boring and stressful non-profit paid job with a colorful, exciting and stressful non-profit un-paid job.
Most prevalent article worn on person: This gorgeous dirty green messenger bag covered in a fleur-de-lis pattern.
If she were a cartoon: Lisa from the Simpsons.
Alias assigned by Chelsi: Twinkle "Big Booty" Johnson
Chose alias because: He's a shiny, shiny jewel among lots of ugly pieces of coal. And he really does have a surprisingly large rumpus.
Reason for interning: I think perhaps his mother begged and pleaded with him to find something else to do with his time besides running around her house sprinkling fairy dust on everything while singing disco songs.
Reason to love him other than big booty: He bakes delicious cookies every day and brings them to work in a little basket attached to his bicycle.
Most prevalent article worn on person: A bright orange tie.
If he were a cartoon: The Road Runner. On speed.
Alias: Lola
Chose alias because: She is a cute little art kitten
Reason for interning: She's a hippie just looking for an excuse to surround herself in art stuff.
Most prevalent article worn on person: This big, droopy, very ridiculous, very
Reason she gets such a lenient profile: Because she stood in a corner with me at an opening and turned red from one glass of wine and aww, isn’t that just so cute?
If she were a cartoon: The pony in Strawberry Shortcake that’s too shy to talk, but always saves the day.
Some hat-er-ation, & lov-er-ation, in this gas-er-y
Yesterday I said I wasn’t going to write about the tedious process that is emailing eighty or so artists for their biographies. I’m still not going to do that, but I am going to write out my frustrations because it’s all that’s been on my brain lately. See, my internship is having an auction later this month, and all the donating artists must have a short biography to use on the little didactic panel beside their piece. Did you catch that I said short? Because if you did, then that makes two of us. Me and you. You and
-I assure you that everyone will know what you mean by "Master of Fine Arts degree". Putting MFA in parentheses right next to it is kind of insulting, yo. And I think, just because I really want to twist your panties, that I'm going to reduce it to just the acronym in the final draft. Can't wait to get your response email which will likely be titled: Chelsi, why are you such a bitch?
-I absolutely LOVE that you, you who didn't hire me back in '07, sent me your text to edit and that your grammar sucks total asshole. My Myspace profile doesn't say "finds joy in the small things" for nothing, ya hear?
-Wow, did you really type "a graduate MFA degree" -? You're just milking your shit, aren't you?
-I hate that after requesting an artist statement from you, you emailed me just a CV so that I had to request it again. And I hate that you didn't specify which city you were from in your reply because I had to email you once again to ask. And I hate that your reply to that thoughtful and carefully worded email was simply "Bay area", because now I have to email you AGAIN and ask you to specify which city. AGAIN. I'm sure you hate me by now, but I'm even surer that I hate you more.
-For some wacky reason I just replied to your email with "now I will think of you every time I see those Got Fog? T-shirts." I feel so lame.
-Why must your publishing name be different from your artist name? Are you really that important?
-You replied to my email with: "Hopefully this event really takes off and makes you all towers of shiny pennies." I want to hug you.
-I am loving our virtual discourse. Does that sound dirty?
-WHOSE NOT WHO'S!