A story about pie and stupid diseases
Nobody expects their chicken pot pie to be interrupted with the sudden need to go to the emergency room, so you can imagine my surprise when that’s exactly what happened to me a couple of weeks ago.
Three hours, two pills and an EKG later, I’m the lucky winner of an acid reflux disease called GERD and what my doctor THINKS is a severe case of anxiety. “Thinks” because I have a few symptoms that suggest I might have something much, much worse, but until I can afford the medical insurance I’ll need for routine trips to the doctor, anxiety it is. (AND HERE’S THE PART WHERE I YELL ABOUT THE $2,500 BILL I GOT IN THE MAIL FOR EMERGENCY SERVICES, WHICH, LET ME TELL YOU, ISN’T HELPING MY ANXIETY ONE BIT.)
The day after my super fun trip to the hospital I had to hop on a plane to Los Angeles for a content management conference—not the best idea ever, but the company I was covering had paid for me to go and it would’ve been pretty shitty to call them up just a day before and cancel on account of my crazy. So I went. And I wrote. And I contracted pink eye. And I didn’t sleep for 48 hours. And I spent most of my free time alone in my hotel, rocking back and forth in the shower with a hot cup of caffeine free tea (because of the GERD), wishing I had filled my new prescriptions before traveling hundreds of miles away from home.
I realize how crazy I sound right now, I really do. If you’re an employer, a potential employer, a lover, a family member, or hell – GAS will probably be around forever! – my future kid (MOMMY TOLD YOU NOT TO GOOGLE HER), I promise I’m not batshit out of my mind. I just think and worry about oh, at least a thousand things per minute, and I suppose this is my body’s way of finally telling me that that shit ain’t cool.
Bear with me, this story just reminded me of another story. Really quick: my sense of direction is shit. And when I say that, I mean that if someone painted over my street sign with a different name, I’d probably drive up and down the cross street looking for my turn. Forever. Ergo, the first time I drove with a driving instructor we got completely lost when the session was over and it was time to get back to my house. We drove aimlessly for a good hour, during which night fell and it started raining. Did I mention this was my first time driving ever? Picture it: tiny hopeless 17-year-old drives for the first time in the dark during a storm while her instructor sits beside her, eating Cheetos and quietly cursing.
Actually, my instructor turned to me and said something along the lines of, “Hey, do you realize how well you’re doing given the circumstances?”
And that’s when I calmed down and found my house. Similarly, I got through my first lone business trip with all my limbs and a new understanding of records management to boot. And even if nobody else is proud of me for it, I sure as hell am.
Here’s the part where I tell you I’ve been making moves to make sure 2010 is not a wet blanket, because despite all the problems that’ve already gone down since the ball dropped, my outlook for the next twelve months is strangely positive. I mean, to tell you the truth I kinda fell off the whole this-is-my-year bandwagon, because really, it doesn’t matter if it’s January or June or December. Every day is a good day to pick up the slack or be better or try something new. It just so happens that my motivational fairy showed up this month.
Stay tuned for news about my activities. For now, I'll just tell you they involve money and travel and shoulder kisses. And perhaps the occasional heart palpitation.
Personal Finance: Lifestyle Inflation
Recently a friend linked me to an article by Amy Chan, the adorable author of www.amyfabulous.com. The piece is titled “My Very Own Choose Your Own Adventure” and the point she pushes is that there is no "correct" way to do things. She compares the facets of life to the adventure books in which you pick a path and you go with it, all the while aware of the opportunities for different avenues you’re passing up. The article shifts quickly to applying this method of thought to love *cue your doom .wav of choice*.
Chan (or Fabulous) preps the reader by telling the story of how she once had a mutual connection with someone who was unavailable, but dude chose to stay with the person he was already committed to. To answer the inevitable question, How can you love someone and still connect with someone else? she writes:
Well, I think you can fully love and respect your partner, but still naturally connect with others…But there comes a point when you realize that temptations and different connections will always exist, but at some point you have to make a choice – and with faith, stay true to that decision.
What is important is that no matter which path you walk or which destination you land – you know that at the end of day, you walked each step true to your principles and values.
I enjoyed the article. I think it’s a very practical and logical way to look at love and life in general; although, I’m not so sure it leaves room for mistakes. You see, I read those choose your own adventure books when I was a kid, but the funny thing about it is I never stuck with one path. If I turned right instead of left at the roaring river and my boxcar ended up in a ditch, my body broken and bruised, I didn’t close the book and flick on the television. I flipped a few pages back, turned left and ended up in a magical field full of flowers, ponies and million dollar bills.
Real time: It’s not that I have commitment issues, or lack faith in my decisions. In fact, when I commit I do it with such fierce passion that everything else, every other possibility, melts away. This means I’m careful about what I commit to, and if I start walking in one direction and am not completely satisfied with what I see or feel in the distance, I turn around. I think at the end of the day that's what it’s about: dog-earing crucial moments in life and making sure that where you go from those points feels true to you. Because if it feels true and right, I think you will love wherever you end up wholeheartedly, and the possibilities of where you could have gone instead will fade away, and connections you make in the future will be deeply appreciated yet nowhere near as bright. Call me naive if you want, but I honestly think that if you genuinely believe in what you commit to, every other possibility will pale in comparison to the achievements you make based on that commitment.
A friend and I--coincidentally the same friend who linked me to Chan’s article—had a severe falling out several years ago. And when I say “severe” I mean batshit crazy horrible FUBAR insane. It resonated with me, of course, and throughout what I like to call The Lost Years I often found myself returning to the last time we saw each other and wondering what I could have done differently. For a long time it remained one of the very few points in my life that, if they were illustrated on a time line of Chelsi, would be represented by a question mark. And maybe a sad face or two.
And this is the real kicker (ESPECIALLY when it comes to matters of the heart) because while you have total control over your adventure in an adventure book, there are things in real life that require more than just your will to change. Often times other people are involved, and their values and priorities will likely be different from your own. In regards to the love that never was, Chan herself writes: “…it is interesting to consider, what could have been if he had made a different choice. We would probably be the main characters together in our Choose Your Own Adventure book.”
My FUBAR friend and I became friends again last week, and I'll admit that in this particular case I lucked out. I'll be forever grateful that things worked out the way they did, but the circumstances were such that had he not made the choice to go back and help me lift my boxcar out of the ditch, I’d have no choice but to close the book and begin another. This idea of acceptance and moving forward with faith when there are no other options, is for me, the point Chan's article hits the hardest, though she doesn't say it outright.
We have to accept the things we cannot change because if we don’t we’ll pine over them forever. And at the same time, we have to have faith in our right to dive back into the things we can change, especially if we’re still haunted by possibilities of what could have been. Doing so improves the quality of life, and anything that serves that purpose, in my book, is being true to my principals and values.
Desk inspiration
Life is changing. I haven't updated y'all in a minute and I'm sorry for that, but along with change comes less time (sometimes). Rather than write a lengthy post to get you all back on track, I decided to share some photos (sorry about the shitty quality. If you'd like to see nicer photos featured on this site, please buy me a camera).
I spend many, many hours sitting at my desk in front of my laptop working. Here are the parts of my surroundings that keep me from going downstairs and watching reruns of Iron Chef:
Yes that's me. I was about 3 and my brother was obviously still in that weird looking larva stage. The sticky on my passport says "do it for Tom" because when I'm dead tired and the last thing I want to do is write another article I'm reminded that my friend Tomoyo bought me a ticket to Japan. Date of departure is July 1 of this year, date of return hasn't been decided. All I know is I'm going to need an assload of money, and in order to get that I need to keep writing. No matter what.
This is a book my friend Mai gave me after I decided that I was going to run away to Paris this summer (after my stint in Japan). I haven't read it yet, but it makes a great mousepad. Again, every time I feel like giving in to my bed I just look at the mouse pad and think, what's better: Sleep in California or anything in Paris? Paris usually wins.
A note my ex housemate wrote me after my then kinda sorta boyfriend decided to tell me he'd stuck his dick in a bunch of other girls. She slipped the note under my door while I was in my room hiding from the world, and though I remember not wanting anything to do with life, I also remember this little stick figure drawing of me (with a crown and royal baton, of course) saying" Fuck mean boys!" made me feel ridiculously better. I'm staying with her during my trip to Paris and I can't wait for a rekindling of the dynamic she adds to my life.
When the aforementioned isn't enough to get me back to working, this little note does the trick. Notice how they're all checked off already.
Let’s go to sleep in Paris, and wake up in Tokyo
The nesting phase continues.
I found an old map of the United States folded up and tucked away in one of my books. When I was in elementary school, it was pinned to my bedroom wall and there were tacks stuck in the places I wanted to visit at some point in my life. (I think I got the idea for this from some old movie starring Cher, believe it or not.)
Examining it now, roughly sixteen years later, the edges are yellowing and the dozens of pinpricks look silly. Thankfully, I no longer draw inspiration for my life or my ambition from mutant Botox abusers, and my wanderlust-y goals are much higher.
Even though the old map represents the naive boundaries of an eight year old brain, realizing that I've long since broken free of them is still a pretty amazing feeling.
Now I fully expect the limits my twenty four year old brain has set to be greatly exceeded in the coming years and, if I'm lucky, the coming months. Which means? It's the stars or bust.
Also, totally un-related: Superbowl 2009! The winner? Brue Springsteen. The rockin'-est sixty year old in the house.