Ch-ch-changes

As I write this entry I’m sitting in a café with my computer looking dissatisfied: A girl, a laptop, an unspecified drink, and a crappy mug. I’m just like those chicks in the movies that have some climactic event coming their way, except instead of being on the verge of meeting my Knight in Shining Armor/landing the job that's going to make me zillions of dollars/being discovered by some mogul, I’m sitting here wishing I was on a trendy MacBook instead of my tiny Vaio and thinking it would probably be a good idea to stop comparing my life to television. You know, since just appearing like something grandiose and wonderful is going to happen to you at any moment doesn't actually mean that it will.

Boo hoo.

Last week I officially resigned from my internship with the art gallery. Much of me was sad to go, but a small part of me, a small but surprisingly strong and nagging part of me, was chewing on my ear and telling me it was time. The commute with no pay was getting to my pockets and the networking I had relied on to find me a job is at a stand still thanks to the recession (high five, Life!). Also, something happened in the last couple of months I was there, something strange and in the vein of somehow feeling like I’d outgrown the program. This is not to say that I’m ungrateful for the opportunity or think I’m bigger than the organization. In fact, the experience as a whole humbled me because it made me realize just how much work goes into non-profit.

Back in February, the Outreach Director gathered several interns together including myself and told us that the organization was interested in expanding the internship program into something much bigger; the ultimate goal being to get at least one granter's attention so future interns could get a small stipend for their efforts. We were asked to dream up an event to kick off the beginning of this change of pace, and after much deliberation and suggestions (a block party? a bike ride around the city? a party at the gallery?) we finally decided to host an art show featuring our own work and the work of our friends with aim to highlight the beauty that comes from networking and connectivity – two things the organization stands for.

The project started out with very little gusto as members didn’t take it seriously, dropped out, came in late, forgot meetings, flaked on deadline dates, forgot to sign up with the message board, etc. and I spent much of the last three weeks before the opening reception feeling like I wanted to pull my hair out. But after a lot of bickering and stressing and misunderstanding and last minute patch jobs, the core group of participants got it together and we had a pretty kick-ass show. Tons of folks showed up to the opening, our twenty bottles of wine were gone in the first hour, and seeing the culmination of it all, seeing everyone’s work up on the walls next to their little name plates as folks gathered around to discuss them, felt like nothing I’ll ever be able to describe.

Now that it’s over and there are very few loose ends to tie up, I somehow feel like I’m out of place whenever I walk into the building. A lot of things have happened in the last couple of years that have caused me to question my intuition (See: HWMNBN et al.) but I think the feeling that I accomplished what I set out to do with the organization is on point. In addition to adding curatorial, graphic design, administrative, and essential gallery experience to my resume, I made connections with several awesome people, and even if none of them pan out in a lucrative sense, the experience of it all is invaluable.

It’s funny to think that back in December/January I was freaking out every day (and often on this website) about getting someone to hire me for free work, when all I want to do now is wash my hands of it and move on to something that will make me a living. The job search has been total shit so far, but I have to keep reminding myself that I went through this before and I can do it again.

Until then, I’ve got tons of things to occupy my time, things that include writing product reviews for a start-up website (hopefully one day soon I’ll feel it’s aesthetically ready to link here) and starting a teacher’s assistant job for a sophomore English class. The latter job is un-paid and no doubt those fifteen year old kids are going to eat me alive, but I’m hoping the experience will be worth it. Anything that keeps me grounded, anything that keeps me from imploding or running away to join the circus like I'm thisclose to doing, has to be worth it.