Fact: I wore pink shell toes to prom
I’ve been introduced to a lot of very, very cool people through my internship, one of them being Bay Area based artist Ala Ebtekar. Here are some quotes about his art I found through Google: “...an attempt to glimpse a crossroad where present day events meet history and mythology.” “He creates images that combine the ideas and history of his cultural background in Iran as well as comics, animation, hip hop culture and mass media.”
Which all adds up to: he’s totally awesome. One of my favorite works of his was done with a combination of ink and acrylic paints on pages of the Qur'an, and can be seen here. Also, he prints ridiculously gorgeous Iranian script graffiti on definitive pieces of hip-hop fashion culture (Adidas products) and let me tell you, until seeing his stuff I hadn’t felt the itch to buy a pair of shell toes since high school. Google him; I promise you won’t be disappointed.
Here is a blurry photo of me wearing a shirt with one of his designs on it:
Nifty, right? The longer you look at it the niftier I’m sure (I hope) you’ll find it, and good news! It’s for sale! Just mosey yourself on over to the CONTACT link up top and shoot me an email if you’d like one. All proceeds go to San Francisco non-profit arts organizations, so don’t think this is a scam for my new laptop fund; although, if you’d like to donate to that cause as well, I won’t mind a bit
Ok, ok
After spending about thirty seconds thinking about my last post, I decided it would only be fair to make a profile of myself too. Here we go:
Name: Chelsi
A famous person that makes me feel highly uncomfortable and at times, even frightened: Kevin Bacon.
Not at all immature or petty
In case you missed my Tweet about it a few weeks ago, the joint I intern for asked me to stay through the Summer. How flippin' amazing, right? So here's where I'd normally elaborate on the amazingness of this opportunity, but since I've been itching for the last four months to talk about the various people I intern with, the various peole that are now no longer there, I drew up some character profiles for them instead:
Alias assigned by Chelsi: Jared Jerome Deluca
Chose alias because: It reminds me of a ridiculous soap opera character who loves to order double ristretto venti non-fat organic chocolate extra hot brownie frappuccinos and refuses to wear anything but Dolce and Gabbana brand clothing.
Reason for Interning: Because he wanted to attach his name to a well-respected organization with the hope that it will boost his presence in the San Francisco Art world a thousand million points. What a chode.
Most prevalent article worn on body: These ridiculous skin-tight jeans
If he were a cartoon character: Gumby, with an industrial piercing and the hair ripped off the scalp of a so-cal "Bro"
Alias assigned by Chelsi: Margarita
Chose alias because: She is a headstrong Hispanic woman who really packs a punch with forwardness and demands most everything.
Reason for Interning: Because she wanted to balance her ridiculously boring and stressful non-profit paid job with a colorful, exciting and stressful non-profit un-paid job.
Most prevalent article worn on person: This gorgeous dirty green messenger bag covered in a fleur-de-lis pattern.
If she were a cartoon: Lisa from the Simpsons.
Alias assigned by Chelsi: Twinkle "Big Booty" Johnson
Chose alias because: He's a shiny, shiny jewel among lots of ugly pieces of coal. And he really does have a surprisingly large rumpus.
Reason for interning: I think perhaps his mother begged and pleaded with him to find something else to do with his time besides running around her house sprinkling fairy dust on everything while singing disco songs.
Reason to love him other than big booty: He bakes delicious cookies every day and brings them to work in a little basket attached to his bicycle.
Most prevalent article worn on person: A bright orange tie.
If he were a cartoon: The Road Runner. On speed.
Alias: Lola
Chose alias because: She is a cute little art kitten
Reason for interning: She's a hippie just looking for an excuse to surround herself in art stuff.
Most prevalent article worn on person: This big, droopy, very ridiculous, very
Reason she gets such a lenient profile: Because she stood in a corner with me at an opening and turned red from one glass of wine and aww, isn’t that just so cute?
If she were a cartoon: The pony in Strawberry Shortcake that’s too shy to talk, but always saves the day.
Some hat-er-ation, & lov-er-ation, in this gas-er-y
Yesterday I said I wasn’t going to write about the tedious process that is emailing eighty or so artists for their biographies. I’m still not going to do that, but I am going to write out my frustrations because it’s all that’s been on my brain lately. See, my internship is having an auction later this month, and all the donating artists must have a short biography to use on the little didactic panel beside their piece. Did you catch that I said short? Because if you did, then that makes two of us. Me and you. You and
-I assure you that everyone will know what you mean by "Master of Fine Arts degree". Putting MFA in parentheses right next to it is kind of insulting, yo. And I think, just because I really want to twist your panties, that I'm going to reduce it to just the acronym in the final draft. Can't wait to get your response email which will likely be titled: Chelsi, why are you such a bitch?
-I absolutely LOVE that you, you who didn't hire me back in '07, sent me your text to edit and that your grammar sucks total asshole. My Myspace profile doesn't say "finds joy in the small things" for nothing, ya hear?
-Wow, did you really type "a graduate MFA degree" -? You're just milking your shit, aren't you?
-I hate that after requesting an artist statement from you, you emailed me just a CV so that I had to request it again. And I hate that you didn't specify which city you were from in your reply because I had to email you once again to ask. And I hate that your reply to that thoughtful and carefully worded email was simply "Bay area", because now I have to email you AGAIN and ask you to specify which city. AGAIN. I'm sure you hate me by now, but I'm even surer that I hate you more.
-For some wacky reason I just replied to your email with "now I will think of you every time I see those Got Fog? T-shirts." I feel so lame.
-Why must your publishing name be different from your artist name? Are you really that important?
-You replied to my email with: "Hopefully this event really takes off and makes you all towers of shiny pennies." I want to hug you.
-I am loving our virtual discourse. Does that sound dirty?
-WHOSE NOT WHO'S!
Just some shameless self promotion
I wanted to write a post detailing the process of emailing eighty different artists for their biographies, but I decided that it might come out boring so I’m not going to. I will say, however, that should any of you have to contact an artist or two for any reason whatsoever, please don’t be at all intimidated. Out of all the replies I got, at least half of them contained questions about the auction they’re donating their work to (you’d think they’d know things like due dates already), a quarter of them replied with two-liner biographies, (thankfully there were artists who emailed two or so pages worth of information about themselves to make up for it –JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE THANKFULLY) and there was even one artist who pretty much asked me to write their bio for them. If I ever finish consolidating and rearranging them all into one polished information packet, I’ll be sure to alert all of the big shots in the world, including George Clooney, because I like to be acknowledged for my accomplishments in life and I learned on MTV today that George bought his personal assistant a two million dollar home. And that’s just the kind of acknowledgement I like.
The point is that these artists? They’re just people. Lazy, hyper-active, uninterested, bat-shit crazy, difficult people. They probably wash their clothes at a Laundromat and buy eight dollar Rieslings and eat tomato soup out of the carton. I mean, I know I do, and as both a writer and an artist who has SOME TOTALLY AWESOME WORK OVER AT THE 16TH AND MISSION BART STATION:
-that says a lot about how humble we all really are, doesn’t it?
**Sidenote: How I managed to capture such a gritty area in San Francisco without the slightest hint of bum or biker and, even more amazingly, IN THE SUN, is really beyond me. So for all of you who don't own pepper spray and/or aren't savvy to a typical day in the Mission district, I'm going to tell you the same thing that I told my grandma when she said she wanted to make her way on over to the station to see my work in real time: NO.
And yet we’re somehow still so, so happy
Today during the staff meeting where I intern:
EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR: The artist coming next month is requesting that one of us pick her up from the air port, take her to Whole Foods and then to her hotel.
DIRECTOR OF FISCAL SPONSORSHIP: I’d do it if my car wasn’t so ghetto.
ED: Oh come on, just do it! Who cares?
THEATRE DIRECTOR: I could do it.
COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR: How is she going to get into your car if you have no door handles?
ED: He doesn’t have door handles?
CD: No! There are just little nubs left from where they broke off and they scratch your fingers!
(Lots of laughter from everyone. Theatre Director waves a made-up gang sign and then crosses his arms over his chest and leans back)
VISUAL ARTS DIRECTOR: I’d totally pick her up, but she’d fall through the hole in the floor on the passenger side.
OUTREACH DIRECTOR: He's not even kidding.
DFS: Yabba dabba doo!
CD: Yes, Fred Flinstone did make it look easy, didn’t he?
ED: (laughing so hard I can almost see a tear) Oh god, will someone please give us some money?
</a normal day in non-profit>
The do’s and don’t's of submitting a manuscript
Non-profit life is meeting after meeting, let me tell you. On top of weekly staff meetings, there are intern-specific meetings that I attend monthly just to touch base on oh, let’s see, EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN. Both past and present interns are encouraged to come, so it seems like every meeting there is someone new to the group. This means that we have to go ‘round in a circle and introduce ourselves over and over AND OVER again. Did I ever tell you this was my least favorite part about the first day of school? In college I’d often check in with the teacher and then ditch class in favor of the on campus pub, just so I wouldn’t have to sit there and tell everyone who I was and what I was all about. I don’t mind it so much now though because I get to say, “My name is Chelsi and I’m a hybrid intern.” The program director called me his hybrid intern a few weeks ago because I’ve been helping out with both the literary and the gallery stuff, which given that I majored in both Wrting and Art History, is pretty much perfect and awesome. And I like letting everyone know that. Ha.
This week I processed applications for our annual literary awards and I wanted to share with you how much I seriously loved doing it in spite of how tedious and annoying of an experience it was, but I feel like I might type my fingers off, so instead I’m going to list a bunch of things you shouldn’t do when submitting a manuscript. Hopefully it’ll steer at least some of you guys away from being either pompous or disorganized:
-If the rules state a clear age limit, like, for example, thirty-five, and you are thirty-six, DO NOT SUBMIT. It breaks my heart to have to call you and say, Hi. You’re too old for this competition. Try again never.
-If the maximum number of pages allowed is forty, DO NOT SUBMIT MORE THAN FORTY. You’ll be rejected, even if it’s only one page over. You have to think of it like this: the average number of judges on a panel is three, and the average number of manuscripts that smaller awards receive is around one hundred and eighty, and most submissions are either the maximum allowed length or just under it, so that’s at least 6,300 pages the underpaid judges have to read. And if you get a wild hair up your ass and type beyond what’s stated in the guidelines, it makes it look like you think you’re beyond the rules, and at that point you can go ahead and yank that wild hair out of your butt and thank it for getting you a one way express trip to the rejection pile.
-If it’s requested that you do NOT include your name on the manuscript, DO NOT INCLUDE YOUR NAME ON THE MANUSCRIPT. People like me who process them will record your name and submission title from the signed application that you mail in, so don’t think that if you don’t include your name on every single page of your manuscript there’s a chance it’ll get picked it as the winner but then dismissed because no one will remember who wrote it. It’s under control, ok? In fact, I highly encourage submitting work to blind reads. That way if there’s a neurotic judge on the panel (like me) who in her personal life dismisses potential love interests because their first or last name is weird (yes, I know I have serious problems), that deep-seated issue won’t carry over into her judging. Likewise, you’ll be able to sleep at night because the kids who spend days coming up with the perfectly catchy pen name won’t be rewarded for it. In a blind read, the most deserving person, whether or not his or her name is Gladys Bobafet Eugenia Muhkergee, will win.
-Think about how your manuscript is going to look when it’s pulled out of its envelope:
If you had a hard time stapling it all together, chances are by the time it’s gone through the mail system and landed on a desk in front of a processor, that that processor is going to pull out a bunch of loose sheets of paper and get stabbed by an unruly staple. If you’re one of those people that absolutely have to submit the maximum number of allowed pages, introduce yourself to the wonderful world of binder clips. They are cute an inexpensive, can handle a large number of pages and most importantly, do not have any sharp angles or edges. In that same vein, just because the rules state a maximum number of allowed pages doesn’t mean you have to submit that many. If you have a short story that you’ve worked on for years and it’s final page count is half as many as the maximum for a competition, submit it anyway. It’s about quality, not quantity, and chances are the judges will pick up your manuscript, notice immediately that it isn’t an outrageous beast with staples and or too-small paper clips popping out of it from every direction, and they’ll smile and send a silent thank you to the author. Isn’t that a good way to start a read? Additionally, please don’t think that your manuscript will be considered any more than the next if you print it on some fancy kind of paper. Regular printer paper is the best way to go because it’s light, it’s easy to flip through, it isn’t textured-- it’s just some freakin’ paper. If you feel the need to go to some paper supply store and spend a ridiculous amount of money on the printer paper equivalent of Renova luxury colored and quilted toilet paper, then whoever receives your story might just mentally wipe their ass with it.
-Include a (SHORT) cover letter. It’s just polite.
- Most importantly, SUBMIT. Even if it’s messy, so long as you follow the rules, it’s going to get read. And hey, it just might win. But definitely not if it’s sitting there under your bed or in a random file on your hard drive.