He also throws trains at my head while I’m asleep
Can I tell you that I’m really terrible with children? Because I am. For the most part I’ve felt like the maternal instinct was just never a part of my makeup. For one, I don’t usually baby talk. Goo goo gaga--bullshit, I will talk to your spawn like I am Terry Gross because that’s just what makes the most sense to me. Secondly, I just don’t do labor, and normally when I see moms with bodies and hair that look a hot mess, and all they have to show for it is the screaming, crying, drooling little dough-ball of a human being that most likely just shit their pants and/or threw up all over the place, I cannot conceive of any reason why anyone would do that to themselves. I suppose my logic in general when it comes to dealing with kids is all off: They look like miniature people, so can’t I treat them like miniature people? What's really all that wrong about substituting a drawer for a crib? And don't call my enclosed play structure a cage, that's totally not what I meant!
But then about a year ago I started hanging out regularly with my friend Jo, so being around her 3 year old son Josh was unavoidable, and though we had a rocky start because I wasn’t into the whole, Chelsi play trains? Trains, Chelsi? Chelsi, TRAINS? CHELSI PLAY TRAINS? game, and still don’t see the fun in watching Baby Einsteins or Wonder Pets for twelve hours at a time, I’ve gotten over a lot of things and now we get along famously. I mean, I won’t be speaking with Kathie Lee about Mommy Blogging any time soon, but let me take a second to tell you about the ways a child can change your life, even when you’re not their parent. Because I promise, the second you let one of these miniature people get to you, there really is no turning back.
Josh was diagnosed with Autism about six months ago after he started exhibiting some very clear cut signs that there was something abnormal going on (problems with speech, bedtime was a nightmare, obsession with reciting dialogue from cartoons), and since then there’s been a constant struggle to understand him, to find ways to keep him comfortable, and to get the best care possible because he’s at that oh-so-crucial stage of development. The most surprising thing about the whole process for me is that none of it has felt like a burden. I mean, I'm certainly not in his mother's position and I can’t imagine what it would be like if activities as simple as washing my hands felt similar to rubbing fiery sandpaper all over my body, but I gladly do my best to put myself in his shoes when I'm around and he’s having a tantrum, and I offer up as much information about Autism that I can find because when I'm not around him he's still on my mind and that has lead to a constant search on my part for new ways to improve his life. So I'm willingly putting myself out there for this guy, doing things I normally wouldn't do, and it's funny because it feels so natural to me. Oh, and the time that I actually babysat him alone and had to change his diaper? DIDN'T EVEN GAG. And there was real poo in it, by the way. Baby poo. A substance I might suggest should our country ever want to go all-natural in bomb development.
Recently Jo and I had a conversation about how likely it is to get pregnant when you’re using protection and she said something like, Joshy broke all barriers, so I’m sure he’s here for a reason. –I’ve come to wholly agree, but beyond that I think kids like him are here for many reasons, one being to teach stuck up bitches like me a thing or two about how to act selflessly and love unconditionally, and when he wakes me up at the crack of dawn every time I have to sleep over his house because it's so far away from where I live, just so he can crawl into bed and scream into my ear: CHELSI, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I realize this all over again, and all those mothers who look like shit? that they don’t care, because when you’re around something as amazing as a child, there’s really nothing else that matters. I am so thankful for being able to see that now, and for how it’s changed me.
I’m participating in a walk for Autism at the Alameda County Fairgrounds on June 7th, and wanted to reach out to all of you readers for help. Help includes donations, emails of support, well wishes, etc. But mostly donations because if I meet my goal of one hundred dollars I get a free t-shirt! Just kidding. If you want to donate to me personally you can do so here. Otherwise you can donate to the team, the entire benefit, or better yet, become a member yourself if you’re in the area and can join us in a few weeks. For all of you potential donators, I’m not expecting much. Even if all you can give is what you’d normally spend on your daily coffee, there are no words for how thankful I'd be. And if you email me with your name and the amount you donated, I’ll write it on my face the day I walk and take lots of embarrassing pictures of myself which I will then post on this website. I swear.